“The Writings Of The First Graduate”
The Shadowland Process…
The experience of our first Shadowland Workshop graduate. She writes in three distinct sections reflecting her journey.
The experience of our first Shadowland Workshop graduate. She writes in three distinct sections reflecting her journey.
Samantha The Snake Woman
I was born in 17?? in Northern France. I lived in a castle, with a lot of other people and my parents and servants. My mother was a midwife and wise woman, knowing about wild herbs, the power of natural forces, the moon, the stars, and the power of the human body. My father was a carpenter, a good hearted, gentle and simple man. Both of my parents had a lot of other lovers, but they always stayed faithful to each other. My mother also knew about babies, how to encourage and how to end pregnancies. Before she was forced to leave, she passed her knowledge on to me, her only daughter.
I was the wise woman of the forest. I could communicate with the animals, the elementary forces, make rain come and drought go, I could call the sun and the moon and the thunder and the lightening. I was the guardian of the forest and of the natural forces. I could ask mother nature to bring children to those who loved, and ask the unborn to leave the wombs of those who could not or didn’t want to take care of them. I could heal with my hands and with my love and gladly did so. I had many lovers, and taught people about the magic and the healing power of sexuality, and the human body. My symbol was a snake, as the snake was my main advisor in all the matters of spirituality and healing. I could walk on the line between life and death, and be the messenger between these two worlds. I knew about the power of love, and taught many other people about it and how to love. Some people thought I was not human. But I was very human, with all the human feelings, I just differed in my way to handle them and knew the real power of human beings. I could see in other people’s souls all their fears and joys and longings, and used this gift to help them. I loved my fellow human beings, and I loved life. As I also had the gift to foresee the future, I knew that this was not going to last forever, and that filled my heart with pain.
People sought my help and asked me for advice, but many of them also feared my power. Many times they caught me and many times I escaped. I lived with my two daughters and my companion in a little hut in the forest, in a little village. But then the moment came, when I couldn’t escape anymore. By treachery I got put into prison again. And they also held my daughter, so I couldn’t escape again and leave her there on her own. They blinded my eyes, took them out of their holes, and played with them. They broke my fingers and my chest and other bones of my body. They didn’t dare to rape me, but they did rape my daughter. They left me in the hole with my broken wrists tied to the wall, sitting there, or rather being held by the iron handcuffs, because I wasn’t able to sit anymore. With broken bones and without eyes. My companion was wandering around outside of my cell, but he couldn’t help me.
Then, the priest came and asked me, if I wanted to sign a contract with the dark side. They would take away my pain and let my daughter free. I refused. He asked me several times more, during the night, and I refused. Then I got put on the stake, and the priest set it on fire. The crowd was watching. My friends and my companion were also watching, trying to support me and say good bye. My older daughter was free again, together with her father. I felt it getting hotter and hotter, felt the devouring heat and deadly hunger of the flames. The fire, who’s guardian I had been before, had turned against me. I could feel the hot blood streaming down my face and my body, heard the dark sounds of the breaking bones. And I could smell the horribly sweet smell of burning human flesh. My own flesh. At that point, I was fully conscious, but I couldn’t feel anymore. Then, in between life and death, the priest came to me again, not in his human body, but in his real, satanic Gestalt. He was holding my baby daughter in one hand, and a contract in the other.
“Now you can choose” he said. “Either you sign the contract, or we will do everything we did to you also to her. And she will sign. We will get her anyways. What do you choose, Samantha? Either, you will be released from this pain and your daughter will be free, or you will feel this pain over and over again. Both of you. What do you choose?”
I took the paper and signed. Under his diabolic laughter my soul left my body. I did a journey to the stars, and when I came back, my body was lying there, intact, with eyes, without any broken bones or blood, with clean clothes, waiting for me. I slipped in, went down from the stake and opened my eyes. As I opened my eyes, I realized that I had died. I didn’t feel any pain anymore. I didn’t feel anything anymore, besides the anger and the dark, powerful glooming in my eyes, and the wish to destroy. The laughing priest came to me with a piece of papyrus, on which my name was written.
“ I just came to show you your contract, and to make you fully mine.” He said. He showed me the contract:
I, Samantha, will give my power and strength, intelligence and wisdom to serve the dark power in any way we want you too’, stood there. ‘I will take any order you give me. I especially will destroy love, truth, femininity, any form of female power and consciousness and other women. I will fully use my sexual power to separate women and men from life, to create war, hostility, mistrust, fear, selfishness, the want for more, non-satisfaction and violence. I will fully use all my power to separate women and men from each other and from their higher selves. I will work for them to loose the orientation, and recruit them into the dark forces. I will fight softness, and despise it as week and bad.
I will serve and honour the bad and despise the light. Against that, I will get redemption from my pain. I will not have to suffer anymore. Not in this life, nor in another one. I will get the power over life and death, the power to destroy, and the power to make people do what I want, the power to make them love me for destroying them. I well be a goddess of death and destruction, have many servants and be adored for that. I will experience pleasure serving the dark side. I will experience pleasure with everything the dark side asks me to do. I will never have any unpleasant feelings again.
– Samantha Devil’
The priest laughed, while he was reading the contract. “And now, we will conclude the contract. I will make you one of mine. Come here!” he said.
I stepped towards him, like a puppet, without any will or desire. “Undress!” he said.
I took off my clothes, like a robot. He took his clothes also off and started penetrating me, taking the last leftovers of my soul. I thought that I should hate that, but somehow I really liked it, I liked to feel him and his power. I liked to give myself up to him, loosing myself and therefore gaining a share of his power. As mentioned in the contract, I felt pleasure. Then, another one of his followers slept with me in the same brutal way, and I felt my power rise and rise, into unknown heights. I got drunk from the feeling of power. Then the priest gave me my baby daughter. “Kill her!” he said. Without hesitating I put a spear through her. For a part of a second, I felt my motherly heart cry, as I heard her scream, and then I looked at her dumb eyes and the red shining glittering blood running over her, and I felt a sensation of cold, immense power. I was the mistress of the universe! I swung myself up into the starlit sky, had a walk over it and looked down on the earth. The priest walked next to me.
“Now you are one of us.” He said. “I am proud of you. Now you are free to do whatever you want. You are the mistress of the sky, the lightening and the fire. Take your power!”
An immense feeling of pride, that he trusted me so much to give me this important task and power filled my chest. ”I will never deceive you, my master.” I said, taking a handful of lightenings and sent them to the earth. First without clear goal, then I looked for people to hit, set houses and animals and people on fire. I spit fireballs to the woods, in which the other wise women were hiding, my earlier friends, and to the central grain storage points of the city. I let the sky explode, and turn the city to ashes. I let the seas overflow and destroy the borderlands, I let an immense hurricane blow away entire cities. The priest looked at my rage with amusement. After a while he came to me. “This is good, my little warrior princess.” He said. “It’s a good start. But now it is time to get more focused. Come with me!”
Like a dog, I followed my master, as we walked down from the sky and into the earth. Deep underneath, there was a green meadow and trees and a church, painted in black. We went in. The priest, his follower Mephisto and me. “Mephisto, show her how to treat people!” he said. Mephisto got up on stage. The room was full of people, all dressed in black.
“Good morning my people!” Mephisto said. And the audience shivered. “As the sun rises, we want to bless this new day of our Lord of the Power by a special offering. Who of you would like to give his daughter the chance to give herself as a present to the Lord?”
Almost everyone raised his or her hand. Mephisto looked around. “You are the lucky one!” he said to a small, thin, old and sad looking woman. “But I don’t want to be a sacrifice!” her daughter screamed. “Come on, don’t be a wimp, this is a great chance.” Said her mother,as she undressed the girl. Mephisto took her to a big wheel at the entrance, and let her mother fix her onto it, the legs spread. “And now we need three male volunteers to do the first part of the ritual. Who wants to?” Almost all the men present raised their arms. Mephisto chose three of them. Everyone watched, as they raped the crying girl.
“And now let Samantha do the finishing.” The priest said and gave me a knife. “Cut her! You’ll know how. And put her blood in this cup.” I cut the breast off the girl, then put the knife into her vagina and began to cut. As the blood jumped out, I filled the cup and gave it to the priest.
“Blessed be our Lord of the Darkness!” he said, while holding the cup up. Then he drank a zip of it, gave Mephisto, me, the mother of the girl and the three men a sip, and threw the rest over the present people. “Blessed be this day, which brought us Samantha, the new Queen of the darkness!” he said. I could see the jealousy, fear and wanting for power in Mephistos eyes, as everyone repeated the sentence.
“See, Samantha, you cannot be so brutal. You have to be more subtle. And, the most important, you always have to give the people the feeling that they are doing what they want to do. Never forget that, my darling. And you as a woman have a powerful tool to enslave man. We need your beauty.” He said and grabbed between my legs. “Mephisto, show her how to get new members. Go! Now!” he said. Mephisto harshly grabbed my arm and led me outside. As soon as we were alone, he said: “Don’t you ever forget, I am the second important person in this church, not you! You are my servant! Even if the priest calls you a queen, you are just my servant!” He pulled my skirt up, opened his pants and started penetrating me. I did nothing, like a robot, and noticed first with surprise, then with satisfaction, that I enjoyed that, and that my bare presence was a threat to him, made him angry and got him hot. I started to try to guess his sexual preferences and try to fulfil them, in order to gradually but steadily shift the power balance between us. ‘You will be my servant.’ I thought. ‘Nevermind what you say now! I will make you beg for sleeping with me!’ My whole body was flooded with a sensation of immense power, and this felt so good, that I had an orgasm. This man would lie in front of my feet and beg, so sure as I was standing here. Laughing, the priest appeared behind us. “I think she already understood, how this works! You can stay here, Mephisto” he said, still laughing, whereas Mephisto tried in vain to hide his anger. “You bitch!” he said, as the priest had left, and slapped me in the face. But I just pulled him towards me and rubbed myself at his rising penis. “You are mine, and you know it! Because I am the woman.” I said and left. I thought. But he grabbed me again and started penetrating again in the anus. I enjoyed the power I had over him, and started laughing as he went on harder and harder, angrier and angrier. But I couldn’t feel pain, so I just laughed and enjoyed his anger. This was the beginning of a very long fight for power.
As the time went on, I discovered that Mephisto had also a softer side, which he knew well to hide. That he actually liked the woman to be the more active one in sexuality. That knowledge made him completely my slave. Sometimes he would notice, get angry and rape me as a sort of revenge, but since I couldn’t feel pain this didn’t bother me. He was mine. Ant then I had sex with the priest, to give me more importance. The priest knew the game very well, he never succumbed to my power, but the fact of being his lover gave me power over Mephisto and in the church. He was brutal as a sexual partner, often also hitting or beating me, and used sex to dominate me, but he also gave me little pieces of his power through that. And as stated in the contract, I enjoyed being his slave, I enjoyed getting a bit of his power. I enjoyed that he also needed me (I thought), even though he showed that through violence and rape. Or well, he couldn’t really rape me, because I was his. He owned me, and I would never have dared to refuse intercourse with him. He was my master, and as he was sharing his power with me, it was my duty to be sexually there for him. I never questioned that.
And I gave the violence on to others. To Mephisto, tons of other men I made fall in love with me, and then played with them as with puppets. I made them give up their lovers, give me their wives, daughters, nieces, lovers, houses, wealth, made them sell their fathers and mothers to my army, just for a little bit of passion. And when I had gotten everything, or just when I got bored by them, I gave them up and let them to themselves. Some of them stayed in my army, others committed suicide or went crazy. Some of them I gave high posts in my army, so they would continue to serve us. I also made the mothers and fathers give me their children, against a bit of power, wealth, or, more often, against an enhanced sexual power. And the people thanked me and thought that they were happy.
I performed many dark masses, and many male cult members wanted to sleep with me. I did sleep with many of them, and always I let them pay my services with an evil deed of a hugeness they could not have imagined to do before, so they would give more and more parts of their souls to me. I was the mistress of a puppet theatre, and the puppets were their souls. I also made women and girls succumb to my charms, but less often, since with men it was more fun. They were just so much asking to be used sexually. The women I’d rather let to be destroyed by my lovers, so then I could get the soul of both of them, which I preferred. Or I used physical violence against women. I preferred to do that against women than against men. Because some women are so much more weak and innocent than men. And weakness makes me angry. There is no place for weakness on this planet. And, as the priest said, it was one of my special tasks to destroy the female weakness.
Sometimes a man would regret his deeds and try to kill or rape me as a revenge. Oh, how I loved that! I couldn’t be killed, since I was dead, and rape, well, I couldn’t feel pain. I just felt the expansion of my power over him, how his soul was more and more integrating in my army, becoming mine, through the aggression he was giving to me. I could feel my total superiority over these low creatures.
This went on for a while. I spread horror and destroyed people, while they loved me and thanked me. I also burned my ex companion on the stake. But eventually I started to become bored by this game, which was always the same. The priest noticed it immediately, and eventually the high counsel decided to let me get a new birth, in order to get a new task at some other place. Mephisto was happy and sad at the same time. Sad, because with me went the fulfilment of his sexual wishes, and happy, because he would get his power back. I let him beg and lick my feet for the last time, but even this was boring.
Then I left.
Samantha In My Life
I made you hurt. I made you lie to your parents, so you would continue to suffer and they would not change.
I made you want to manipulate men with your sexual power. I made you want to take revenge on men and patriarchy. I made you believe that you have to fight patriarchy and globalisations with their weapons, which are my weapons. I made you separate from life by being aggressive. I made you think that your aggression and desire for power are different from those of the people in power. I made you want to dominate. I made you have rape fantasies, so you can turn all men into perpetrators.
I made you hate yourself, your femininity and your softness. I made you hate weakness. I made you hate your brother for his desire to end his position of being hurt, and for showing his weakness. I made you forgot your qualities and who you really are. I made you hurt yourself. I made you do as if you care for people you at that moment didn’t care for at all.
I made you devalue sexuality. I made you sleep with men you did not really know and then look down on these men and at yourself for that.
I made you hide your hurt and sensitivity, before yourself and others. I made you play the game of the strong woman. I made you look down on others for being in a weak position.
I made you want power and to be in the center of attention rather than being yourself.
I made you be afraid of your beauty and your sexuality.
I made you feel helpless and worthless, so you would forget who you are and I could enlist you in my ranks.
I made you want to cope with the desires of society and others more than wanting to be true to yourself. I made you shut down all your non rational ways to communicate and see things. I made you believe in the reality of power and war.
I made you play power games.
I made you afraid of men, and I made you look down on them for their desire to be sexual with a woman, and for their attachment to women, as you considered that as weakness.
I made you want your lovers to be powerful and to give you a better position.
I made you look down on men who are not machos for their softness.
I made you want to be recognized as a good person. I made you give importance to what others think. I made you want to be right.
I made you think, that you always have to prove yourself. I made you fear, that you will never have enough, especially if you go for your wishes.
I made you believe that it is dangerous to be who you are and to go for what you want. I made you believe that in love there is no place for your wishes and desires, and that even there to get anything you have to prove how much you can love and how much you can suffer.
I made you believe that there is no solution to your problems. That you live in a world full of fear. That you will not be healed or satisfied. That for everything you want you have to fight. I made you believe that you are separate from the rest and that you have to deal with your issues on your own.
Sajeela, The Light Figure
I am Sajeela, the Snake Woman and messenger of light. I was born in 17?? In Northern France, in a castle. My mother was a midwife and a wise woman, and my father a carpenter, a simple, good hearted, gentle man. Both my parents had a lot of other lovers, but they always stayed faithful to each other.
Before my mother died, she passed her knowledge on to me, her only daughter.
I was the wise woman of the forest. I could communicate with animals, plants, stones, and elementary beings. I was the guardian of the natural forces and could bring rain or draught, whatever was necessary. I could invite children to come to those who wanted them, and ask the unborn to leave the wombs of those who were not able to take care of them. I was the connector between this world and the other worlds, between life and death, which is also a part of life. I helped many people to fully develop their love and sexuality and themselves as full human beings. I love humans, and I love creation. I love men, and I am totally in love with the forces of nature, eros and creation. I was nature, and nature was me. I was love, and love was me.
People liked me and were grateful for my services, but many of them also feared my powers. Some said, I was not human. But I was human, and I gladly shared my knowledge with whoever was ready to get it. I was just aware of what a human being really is.
But then times got worse, the catholic church got more power, patriarchy was on the rise. The dark forces wanted to take power of us, wise women. They hated us because we were women, and because we serve the light forces. Like all the wise women, I got put into their carcels several times, and several times I escaped. But eventually I couldn’t escape anymore. I was put into their carcel, and by interrogating me, they broke almost every bone of my body.
The man, who interrogated and tortured me, was called Mephisto. He was of an unusual beauty, tall, dark skinned, with long hair and an athletic body. But his eyes were cold, as if they were dead already, and his beautiful body moved stiffly, without feeling or won energy. A bit like a robot.
As he interrogated me, I sent him all my love, compassion and understanding, right from the bottom of my heart. After the third session, I saw a glimpse of his original being, of life, in his brown eyes. I saw a very small Mephisto sitting somewhere deep, deep hidden in his soul, saying: “Please, don’t hurt me.
Please, help me! Please, I want to get out of this prison!” An immense sadness and compassion filled my heart, and even though this was quite hard for my body to do, I got up and hugged him.
He left my cell hastily and without a word, visibly afraid of what was going on with him, but also very sad.
Sometimes also his boss, a catholic priest, came to talk directly to me. He was visibly more cold and controlled than Mephisto. But usually he just came to have a quick look, or to propose me to sign a contract with the forces of darkness, of which he was the chief. I always refused. Once, he came together with Mephisto and the contract. I refused to sign again. Then, the priest was thinking and said: “Maybe this needs some sort of other pressure! Rape her, Mephisto!” Mephisto took an unbelieving look at the priest and then pulled my skirt up and opened his pants and started penetrating me hardly, giving the priest the impression that he liked to do that. But his eyes looked at me and silently said: “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
I felt a huge compassion with this poor man who had sold his soul to the dark side, and tried to open up for the good part of him and give him the love he didn’t get before.
Then the priest left. Mephisto took a quick look outside of the door, to see if the priest was not to come back, and then hastily cleaned me. I took the contract and passed it through the iron bars to my daughter and my companion, who were waiting there. My daughter looked at it very intensely, then she gave the contract back to me. Mephisto did as if he didn’t see anything. He left my cell, with the unsigned contract in his hand and an immense cloud of sadness around him. At home, my daughter carefully made another copy of the contract, but with a slightly different content. The next day, the priest and Mephisto came again with the contract. I looked at it, while I let the blood drop from my head on the contract.
“I will sign it” I said then. “But see, you will have to get another copy of this. This is not readable anymore, it’s all full of blood.”
The priest looked at the contract. There were little red, shining lakes on it, in which the light was reflected. About every third word was covered by a lake of blood. “Hmpf!” The priest said, visibly angry. “Mephisto, get another one of these! You know where they are!”
Mephisto left. The priest fastly washed my face and harshly put a bandage around my head. “So we don’t take the risk that this happens again” he said.
Then, Mephisto came back with the contract. I looked at it and signed. Then I gave it back to the priest. He signed too.
He grew immensely tall and started to laugh. Loud, harshly and diabolic.
“Now you are mine! Light princess! Ha! Now you will be a servant of darkness, and I will make you fully mine. You are my princess! My slave. My female aid for enlisting humanity in my army and destroying the female. You are mine! Ha! Ha! Ha! – And now, we will complete the contract.” He said. “Undress!”
“No.” I said
“What do you mean, no?! You have signed a contract, you cannot say no anymore. You are mine! Mephisto, read the contract to her!”
Mephisto had gotten very pale. He took the contract, and with a small, shattering voice, started to read:
I Sajeela, make a contract with the dark forces. I will use all my powers to return all the members of the dark forces back to light. I will use my full compassion, love, intellect and wisdom to fulfil that goal. I will love even those who try to destroy me. I will never seek revenge for anything.
Against this, I, the devil will set all the beings who are held in my army free, and I will give them their full capacity to feel love, joy, compassion, sadness and pain back. I will also take back my own feelings. I will learn how to feel love, joy, compassion, sadness, pain and any other feelings I might have. I will develop a heart and learn how to open it. I will learn how to trust and fully surrender to life. I will take full responsibility for all my actions, and what they provoke in others. I will die as an evil force and be reborn as part of life. I will not be addicted to power any longer.
– Sajeela Devil’
The priest had gotten pale as Mephisto was reading. Then, he run towards him and tore the contract out of his hands. He stared at it in disbelief. “You little bitch!” he said to me, as he tore the contract apart, furiously.
But the contract magically came back together as one piece.
“This is a magic contract.” I said. “It’s the kind of contract you make. Youknow that it is not destroyable.”
The priest was still in disbelief. He looked from me to the contract to the pale Mephisto and back.
“And you, Mephisto! Couldn’t you take a bit better care!? Didn’t you pay attention to anything at all?!” he asked with a angry sound of panic in his voice.
“I could have. But I didn’t want anymore, Mylord” Mephisto said. “As a matter of fact, I took the contract of Sajeelas daughter in full knowledge of its content.”
“But you have a contract! You can’t just…”
“I had a contract, Mylord. Now I am free. Free to do whatever I want. Free to be myself. And I will not serve you anymore.” He said, falling down to my feet and crying.
“But…” The priest didn’t know what to do. He looked so loveable in his despair and confusion. So simple! “I love you.” I said, and went towards him and hugged him. “I love you.” In my arms he melted away and turned into a dark brownish liquid, which formed a little lake in front of my feet. Mephisto, terrified, jumped up. Full of horror he looked at the lake, who had been his boss for so long, and started crying even more and shivering. I went towards him and hugged him.
“It’s okay.” I said. “It’s over.”
“I am sorry.” He said. “I am so sorry.”
“It’s okay. Everything is alright.” I said, as we held each other in the arms and cried. And Finally this is the Re Dedication to life as she integrates the realizations and energies she has experienced in the Shadowland.
I recognize now that at some point in my life I separated myself from you, life, and the forces of creation.
I used my magical, spiritual, intellectual, sexual and other powers to serve evil. By spreading my anger and destruction, I contributed to the spreading of evil. By recruiting souls for the dark forces, and tricking others into the service of evil, I helped the dark forces to expand around the globe. I was a perpetrator, and, what is maybe the worst, turned others into perpetrators, thereby taking over their souls for the darkness. I also hurt life by hurting myself, shutting me down, not giving myself the value I deserve and hating myself for my sensitivity, which is actually my lightful power. I also fought a war against femininity, and therefore against myself, considering the feminine as weak and therefore not having a right to be there. I also partly enjoyed serving the evil and getting a lot of power over others from that. I enjoyed being the princess of the darkness, even if someone else was the king.
I realize only now, how much I have served evil and how much this goes against my very innerst core, which is you, life and creation. By hurting you, I hurt myself and vice versa. I am very sorry and apologize for all the evil things I have done. I especially apologize for having fought a war against live, femininity, sexuality and myself. I ask for forgiveness, as I also forgive those who have hurt me and turned me into a perpetrator.
From now on, I want to use all my spiritual, intellectual, emotional, sexual and other powers to fully serve the forces of love, peace, life, and creation. In order to do this, I ask you to give me the full connection to you, life, back. I especially want to be able to fully feel love, eros, compassion, joy, and to learn to surrender to my pain if it is there. I want to be able to cry. I want to learn how to fully trust in you, and in myself, and my abilities to heal myself and others. I want to learn to be able to see the full, multi layered reality, to develop and value my power to see with my heart and my third eye, and to learn how to communicate with all the beings in this universe. I ask you to give me the wisdom and strength to use this abilities to the best of myself and all creation. I also ask for the ability to love myself and cherish my femininity and femininity in general. I ask you to help me to stop drawing a border between the suffering I cause and the suffering I experience. I ask you to purify Samantha and myself and to integrate all her power in me. In a way that serves love, light and life. I ask you to give me my lost powers back. And I ask for you for guidance, so I may use this gifts wisely and serve life, love, peace and light in every moment of my life, with all my abilities and strength and weaknesses, with all my entire self.
I ask you to show me the way to come fully home to you, my mother.